By Dr. Roger Pierangelo and Dr. George Giuliani

Abstract

Parents involved in matrimonial cases will often expound on their virtues when it comes to the welfare of their children. They will speak about how they truly want their children to have a healthy relationship with their spouse, want the children to be happy, be willing to do anything to prevent scars for their children, cooperate with their spouse, etc. However, all too often, their behavior and words never line up, and what occurs is often the complete opposite. The parents’ fragile emotional state, brought on by a sudden fears involving possible severe changes in finances, safety, sense of protection, environmental living conditions, social connections, emotional and sometimes vocational needs become the new and overwhelming focus in their lives. Since these fears now drain energy like never before, the judgment and perceptions of parents from issues that might be in the best interests of their children now become distorted. What may result are actions and behaviors toward each parent that do not take into account the impact on the well-being of children. The focus of this article is to address devastating parental behaviors that impact children during the separation and divorce process.

The period of time when parents are involved in the legal process of separation and divorce can become a very artificial, unnatural and psychologically destructive time for their children. This is a time when logic, common sense and fairness may not be the driving force behind the parents’ behavioral choices. Consequently, parents may exhibit or initiate behaviors that create extreme stress on their children, almost sacrificing their well-being, in an attempt to get revenge, control, or express extreme anger towards the other parent.

Pierangelo & Giuliani, 2011

The choices of behavior on the part of the parents will need to be identified as quickly as possible by judges, law guardians or parent coordinators assigned to the case. If these destructive and unhealthy parental behaviors are not identified quickly, and intervention not take place, then permanent damage to the children’s mental health has a very high probability of becoming a reality. There is no excuse on the part of the legal or psychological system to allow such destructive behaviors to continue once identified. While parents may deny that they do these things, the behavior of the children almost always provide a record of what is actually taking place and what true messages are being conveyed, direct or indirect, to the children. Behavior is always a message and it is very important that professionals involved in separation and divorce cases learn to better understand children’s behavior so that they can intervene quickly and reduce their stress.

The psychological devastation that can occur in children as a result of unhealthy parental behaviors during the divorce process may first show up in school and sleep patterns. The tension brought on by the child’s hesitation in saying things, fear of hurting the other parent, guilt, fears of retaliation and abandonment etc. add so much tension, that concentration, focus, motivation, judgment, and patience, completion of tasks, grades, and appropriate behavior, all deteriorate quickly, since the required energy for these factors is drained away to deal with the inner turmoil brought on by the parental behaviors.

These destructive and stress provoking behaviors on the part of parents may at times be very subtle. Some may be motivated by personal neurotic needs, while others are motivated by nothing more than to hurt and neutralize the other parent’s role in the life of the child as much as possible.

The following behavior patterns are frequency seen in separation and divorce cases where children are involved. The article discusses each of these parental patterns and when necessary provides examples of how these patterns may be seen in the children and parent’s behavior.

1. Exhibiting Hostile Parent Behavior

Sometimes a child’s reluctance towards visitation with a parent results from the hostile behavior of the other parent. In our opinion, there are three states of hostile behavior that greatly affects the psychological well-being of children and molds their negative opinions and feelings for one of their parents. In order of severity, these are: (1) Subtle Passive State; (2) Hostile Indirect State; and (3) Hostile Direct State.

A. Subtle Passive State

In the Subtle Passive State, nothing is ever actually said by the parent. The parent provides subtle messages to the children, such as looking angry or becoming quiet to the children when they are leaving to see the other parent. Nothing overt is said. However, this act of emotional removal creates enormous tension within the children because the loss of approval by the parent is interpreted as a loss of love, one of the most frightening fears of children.

B. Hostile Indirect

The second state, Hostile Indirect occurs when the child gets a false impression of the other parent without hearing both sides. An example of this occurs when the parent may argue over the phone with the other parent with the children in close proximity. The arguments can become emotionally turbulent, and many hostile words can be said. However, since the conversation has taken place over the phone, the children will only hear one side. The parent will then get off the phone and be nice to the children. Regardless, the damage is done and the child gets the clear message-don’t mess with me or make me unhappy.

C. Hostile Direct State

The third state, Hostile Direct, is the most serious type. In this case, the parent doesn’t care who is around, often exhibiting “out of control” behavior (e.g., hitting the other parent or throwing things in front of the children). The messages here are three-fold: (1) “No one can stop me”; (2) “I will do anything I want.” ; (3) “Do not trust your father or mother.. This type of behavior will normally have the most negative effect on children. Not only do such acts constitute a serious issue of emotional instability on the part of the parent, but they indicate a complete disregard for the emotional well-being the children. In our experience, if Hostile Direct State is occurring, then it is almost certain that the two other levels are also being used.

2. Creating an “Identification with the Aggressor” Mentality in Their Children

“Identification with the Aggressor” is a concept that can readily be seen in children during hostile stages in separation and divorce. When children feel overwhelmed by an inescapable threat such as a hostile, angry parent they identify with the aggressor. Hoping to survive the onslaught being directed at them,, they sense and become precisely what the aggressive parent expects them to be—in their behavior, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts and negative and hostile actions towards the other parent.

But habitual identification with the aggressor also frequently occurs in people who have not suffered severe trauma, which raises the possibility that certain events not generally considered to constitute trauma are often experienced as traumatic. Emotional abandonment or isolation, and being subject to a greater power, are such events. In addition, identification with the aggressor is a tactic typical of people in a weak position (Frankel, 2002). What often happens with children who are in this type of weakened state is that they will side with whom they perceive as the most aggressive and potentially rejecting parent against the other parent in hopes that the aggressor will not turn on them. A child’s behavior in this case will too often be to always make excuses for not wanting visitation, feigning illness, wanting to go home early, creating tension to cause shortened visitation and outright refusal to go on visitation. Examples may include A parent making sure the child’s cell phone does not take messages or is constantly full despite being asked to clear the messages by the other parent. The message here is, “I run the show, and I will determine who and when you speak to your father/mother.”

A parent being told by the child that he/she can do whatever he/she wants in terms of not coming for visitation. This heightened sense of empowerment for no logical reason is usually always reinforced by the aggressive parent to minimize the other parent’s power over the child or a message to the aggressive parent that I am on your side, so do not attack me.

A parent telling a child something and the other parent openly telling the child he/she does not have to do it if he/she does not want to or it’s up to the child to make the decision. This is also a subtle message of neutralizing the other parent and having the child listen to the rules of the aggressive parent. “I am telling you that is ok not to follow your other parent’ s rules or requests” is the clear message heard by the child.

A parent arguing in public, at school, etc. in front of the child and other people while the other parent begs him or her to stop. The message here is “I am powerful and I can do what I want, anytime I want.” The child sees the power of one parent and the refusal to follow rules, which makes the child frightened. As a result, the child aligns with the more aggressive parent in order not to be victimized.

A child yelling at a parent about child support payments, how mean the parent is to the other parent, how little money he/she gives, etc. These messages are clearly being planted by the aggressive parent in an attempt to make the child a “soldier” of the aggressive parent.

3. Parent Dependency Syndrome

There are times when a parent will not intentionally alienate his or her children from the other parent but will instead create an unhealthy dependency through a series of subtle and/or emotional reactions. When a parent has serious fears of isolation and abandonment, low self esteem, a lack of adult anchors or meaningful relationships or sometimes unresolved issues from his/her past they may turn to an unhealthy dependent relationship with his/her child to fill the void that he/she is feeling. We call this Parent Dependency Syndrome. While not an alienation process, the secondary effects of Parent Dependency Syndrome results in an unwillingness of the children to leave the dependent parent. The reactions of the dependent parent give the children the message that the parent is a victim, unhappy without them, in turmoil if they are not with him/her, and can only survive if the children stay with him/her. Statements by parents exhibiting Parent Dependency Syndrome include:

“It’s O.K., I’ll find something to do when you are not here”

“Mommy will miss you so much when you are with Daddy”

“I get so sad when you leave me to go to Mommy’ s”

“I will be here waiting for you to come home from Daddy’s”

“I will wait for your call from Mommy’s”

Such guilt makes it very hard, if not impossible, for the children to leave the parent’s orbit. The effects on children of this dependency syndrome can be seen not only in the unwillingness to leave the parent but may also limit the children from venturing out to new social, educational, recreational, and any other experiences that would leave the parent “alone.” What inevitably occurs is an extreme limitation of the children’s safety zone, the area in which the children feels safe.

Further, Parent Dependency Syndrome often results in illogical and obsessive amounts of time spent with the children regardless of the reality of the other parent’s visitation, schedule, boundaries, or needs. This behavior is anxiety driven and defies logic, common sense and fairness. The sole purpose and goal are the dependent needs of the parent to have the child maintained in his/her orbit, which is seen as the only safe place. Examples of Parent Dependency Syndrome include:

Calling the children multiple times a day.

Frequently cancelling visitation indicating the child or children are not feeling well.

Providing a cell phone to call the parent several times a day during the visitation time of the other parent.

Frequently being at school when the other parent picks the children up for visitation.

Frequently fostering the children to stay with them during events when the other parent has

Visitation.

Constantly texting the children “I miss you”; “Wish you were here” ; “Can’t wait to see you.”

The children requesting to constantly go home early from visitation with the other parent because of a fear that the other parent is angry over them being there

Long drawn out phone calls by the parent on the visitation time of the other parent.

Constantly dropping off items to the children during the visitation time of the other parent.

Frequently changing the pick-up time for visitation to a later time at the last minute.

4. Reinforcing Loyalty Fears and Fears of Betrayal

Children know when parents hate each other. Since we communicate 55% non-verbally, it is not difficult for children, who by nature are very visual, to read the intense disgust that one parent may harbor for the other. In many cases, this is not even kept to a non-verbal level but is consistently reinforced by verbal barrages, innuendos and subtle destructive comments. At this point, the child is deathly afraid of having one parent reject him or her for having a relationship with the other. Further, children often fear openly verbalizing any love, caring or need for the other parent. These verbalizations may be interpreted as betrayal or disloyalty to the angry parent. In many cases, these negative reactions or the angry environment may intensify quickly when another individual is brought into the life of the other parent, e.g., dating, engagement, and remarriage. Often, the loss of hope for any reconciliation, fears of abandonment, and the unequal playing field involving relationships aggravates the already tense situation. The tension and turmoil that arise within the child can be devastating, since he/she is emotionally being blackmailed by one parent to reject the other parent, a process that often instills intense fear and guilt.