By Dr. Roger Pierangelo and Dr. George Giuliani

The process of separation and divorce is filled with a myriad of complications, unnatural arrangements, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and resentments. The problem with all of these feelings floating around is that they are like a match in a gun powder factory. Children exposed to these feelings and the resulting behaviors on the parts of their parents are often confused, frightened, anxious, and fearful. Nowhere is this potential volatility more apparent than in the case of two parents in the midst of a very bad divorce forced to live in the same house. Our experience has shown that during this period, some of the most dangerous and damaging situations occur because the parents are placed there without practical boundaries or guidelines. Constant fighting for control, getting the children to try to side with each parent, confrontations in front of the children, and sometimes in more serious cases, hitting and abuse, underscore this very unnatural “living arrangement.”

As a result, a new “living arrangement” should be instituted by the courts with very clear guidelines, boundaries and a monitoring system to protect the health, welfare, and safety of the children. We call this system Arena Parenting. Arena parenting is a process that establishes a set arena time for both parents where the health, welfare and safety needs of the children are taken care of by one parent without the intrusion of the other. The arena control is followed and monitored by a Civility Coach (For a complete description of a Civility Coach, see Pierangelo and Giuliani, Spring 2007 article in the Family Law Review), and as long as the health, welfare, and safety needs of the children are followed, each parent will have his and her protected arena time. This dramatically reduces control issues, the use of children for displaced anger, and drama in front of the children. Issues that transcend both arenas are discussed, and ways of resolving issues in a civil manner are taught and closely monitored. In other words, Arena Parenting is an in-house visitation arrangement that is closely monitored.

All too often when in the process of a separation and divorce, parents may be told by their attorneys to stay put and not leave the house either to strengthen their legal position and assist in negotiations or because they are unable to afford separate housing arrangements. However, they are left in this position with no guidance, support or arena to vent their frustrations and learn how to cope with this very stressful arrangement. Arena Parenting is a very viable and successful measure in reducing the tension for everyone involved.

Steps in Arena Parenting

1. The first step in Arena Parenting is for the court to mandate that the parties engage in Civility Coaching for the purposes of monitoring Arena Parenting. Without the 2 courts mandate, the process may not be taken as seriously as it needs to be by the parties involved.

2. The next step is for the Civility Coach to develop an Arena Parenting schedule either with both parents (if possible), or on his/her own. The Civility Coach will have to take several factors into consideration, such as work schedules, driving and transportation options, ages of the children, extra-curricular activities, etc. Arena Parenting is based on common sense and logic, not always equality as one might see in some divorce visitation agreements. However, adding common sense and logic to a chaotic situation may anchor the individuals involved who already feel so out of control.

3. The Civility Coach will then meet with the children to discuss the direction and concept of Arena Parenting, which in our experience, calms the children down since all they see may be out of control “lifeguards.”

4. It is very important that the Civility Coach clearly outline and define what is meant by the “health, welfare, and safety” of the children. Examples include but are not limited to:

Health Responsibilities

a-Administering medications

b-Keeping doctors’ appointments

c-Informing the other parent of the outcome of regular check-ups

d-Keeping the house free of allergens if the child has allergies

e-Keeping dental appointments

f-Making sure they maintain hygiene responsibilities

Welfare Responsibilities

a-Maintaining a clean house

b-Having clean clothes and linens for the children

c-Taking the children to school on time

d-If applicable, picking up the children after school on time

e-Attending school meetings and teacher conferences, if feasible

f-Making sure homework is finished every night

Safety Responsibilities

a-Driving within the speed limits

b-Making sure the children always wear car seats or seat belts

c-No drug involvement

d-No drinking and driving

e-Not leaving children home alone under the age of 12

f-Not smoking around children or in the car with children

5. The Civility Coach will then identify the specific days and times that each parent will be in charge of the health, welfare and safety of the children. This responsibility will involve school related activities, i.e. homework, studying, extracurricular activities, preventive health care appointments, cooking and feeding, bedtime activities, and any other activities defined in the children’s life. Depending on the schedule, one parent may find him or herself involved in certain activities needed by the child which infringes on his or her “quality time.” We call this concept “luck of the draw” which basically means that being a parent involves many responsibilities aside from fun activities.

6. The Civility Coach will teach parents to use this activity time to foster the bond with their children and these responsibilities will need to be learned as each parent approaches single parent responsibilities. In some ways, Arena Parenting is a learning experience for both parents, which should facilitate their transition into becoming single parents. The goal for both parents is to ensure that the needs of the children are met.

7. When it is the Arena day or time of one parent, the other must leave the area, not necessarily the house. Decisions that need to be made will be made by the parent in charge, as long as they are decisions that do not cross over Arena boundaries, i.e. major school decisions, therapeutic, religious, or medical decisions other than normal prevention. In the case of regular check-ups that may fall on one parent’s Arena Day, it is his/her responsibility to notify the other parent of the outcome as soon as he/she first sees the other parent or within 24 hours by email.

8. The children are told who they need to go to for anything on that specific day to have their needs met. They are provided with a very clear schedule and any questions they may have are answered. It is also crucial that the parents refer the children to the Arena parent when they come to him/her for a decision. This stops playing one parent against the other and stabilizes the routine for children.

9. If the Arena Parenting schedule requires that one parent supervise an entire weekend then he/she must make all arrangements that may require supervision, babysitting, transportation, and availability by phone.

10. With Arena parenting, discipline can only occur on the Arena time of the parent who set the punishment. He/she cannot have the child serve the discipline on the other parent’s Arena time. This avoids using the child s a weapon against the other parent’s time.

11. A major rule of Arena Parenting is that you can never ask the other parent for information or some item that the parent can get him/herself. For instance, asking the parent for the date of the teacher conference is something that either parent can get on his or her own. The rule is to stop game playing where one parent uses this type of questioning to portray the other parent as uncooperative.

12. No scheduling of appointments, activities etc. can be made on the Arena Day of the other parent without his/her input or agreement unless it is something that is not determined by the parent, i.e. school or religious activity. For instance, if one parent wants to sign up his/ her daughter for ballet lessons, he/she must be held during his/her Arena time unless agreed on by the other parent. If it is kept to his/her Arena Parenting schedule, then communication of information, not communication for permission is expected.

13. No parent is allowed to interfere in the discipline of the other parent unless he/she deems it to be a health, welfare or safety issue. In that case, a call to the Civility Coach is expected.

14. In Arena Parenting, a parent’s private life is private and there are no questions allowed. Both parents have chosen to divorce and will need to get on with their lives.

15. Vacation and holiday schedules are also part of the Arena Parenting schedule but are known by both parties to be a temporary Arena schedule until the divorce agreement is finalized. Here, logic, common sense and fairness are the concepts that oversee the holiday scheduling.

16. Each parent is guided in understanding that normal conversations with a child may take place but no decisions or undercutting of the other parent’s Arena supervision can take place. This is monitored very closely by the Civility Coach.

17. All money transactions, allowances, payments, etc. are monitored as per the Court directives.

18. Either parent can request a change of Arena Day; however, if the other parent says that it is not possible, the conversation is over. This is a crucial part of Arena Parenting, since so many arguments in the regular situation occur from pressure, unresponsiveness, not getting one’s way, badgering or bullying. All of these behaviors are monitored and a zero tolerance policy is enforced by the Civility Coach.

19. The Civility Coach is available to all the parties when not in session, either by phone or email. This option is like having money in the bank. You may not need it but it’s nice to know it’s there.

20. Until civility is attained by both parties, communication by email with a copy to the Civility Coach is required. In this way, the Civility Coach can see how each parent is approaching the other to avoid threats, verbal sarcasm, bullying, etc. However, the hope is to move towards civil conversation.

21. It is up to the Civility Coach to monitor any Court order, prior agreements or pendente lite. In this way, rules will be followed and chaos avoided. The presence of the Civility Coach coupled with the Court’s mandate has, in our experience, dramatically reduced the tension in situations where Arena Parenting was enforced.

22. The children will welcome the boundaries and monitoring set by the Civility Coach since it stops them from becoming part of the battle. In Arena Parenting, the Civility Coach counsels the children on the skills involved in remaining neutral and not allowing themselves to be drawn in to unhealthy situations. The Civility Coach will have to monitor very young children more closely, since they may not be able to clearly label or communicate what is actually going on in the house.

23. In Arena Parenting, the parent not in charge has no say on the parenting style of the other parent as long as the health, welfare and safety of the children is appropriate. It will be up to the Civility Coach to determine whether the parenting style is creating tension for the children or is not providing a healthy structure. If this is so, the Civility Coach will counsel and offer skills and options to improving parenting skills.

Conclusion

Arena Parenting is a process that allows for a more civil atmosphere for parents and children living in the same house during the separation and divorce process. It is imperative upon the courts to mandate this process as quickly as possible to calm the dangerous and damaging behaviors that arise from this stressful situation. Arena Parenting can provide a more consistency, logic, common sense, and predictability to a very tense environment.