Civility Coaching in Spearation and Divorce Cases
By Dr. Roger Pierangelo and Dr. George Giuliani
The Implementation of Civility Coaching in Separation and Divorce Cases: A Missing Piece in the Matrimonial Process
Historically, courts have not utilized the therapeutic community of professional psychologists to assist them until a matrimonial case is well underway, and many times not even then. If a referral for psychological intervention should take place, the courts will usually refer the case for a forensic evaluation if custody is an issue or make a referral for court appointed counseling when the tension, anger, rage levels, lack of communication and outright revenge factors have reached a pitch that create serious difficulties for negotiation and resolution. However, by this time, the damage to the children and the psychological distance and defensiveness between the two parties are so great that traditional counseling is often useless. Even when a counselor finally sees the parties involved, they are often times doomed to failure by the use of traditional methods, which are often geared towards techniques used in couples or marriage counseling.
The specific emotional factors and dynamics that are present in the cases of separation and divorce have resulted in the need for a very different form of therapeutic intervention. This form of therapeutic intervention has to take into account several facts that may not be present in marriage, couple or relationship therapy where the deprivation of emotional needs creates severe tension which is manifested in fighting, anger, distance, apathy and displacement onto other issues. The goals in marital or couple counseling are to identify the needs, understand the past, find healthier outlets, and label feelings to increase communication, all of which hopefully leads to a more intimate relationship. In the case of two individuals getting divorced, there is no need to increase intimacy, since both parties probably tried that route, failed, and have since decided to part ways. Delving into past deprivation of needs, which probably caused the separation in the first place, is analogous to ripping scabs off wounds.
However, since the emotional well-being of children is involved, it would be tragic if no intervention were quickly initiated. Often, parents involved in matrimonial cases will expound on their virtues when it comes to the welfare of their children. They will speak about how they truly want their children to have a healthy relationship with their spouse, want the children to be happy, be willing to do anything to prevent scars for their children, cooperate with their spouse, etc.. However, all too often, their behavior and words never line up, and what occurs is often the complete opposite. The parents fragile emotional state, brought on by a sudden fears involving possible severe changes in finances, safety, sense of protection, environmental living conditions, social connections, emotional and sometimes vocational needs become the new and overwhelming focus in their lives. Since these fears now drain energy like never before, the judgment and perceptions of parents from issues that might be in the best interests of their children now become distorted. What may result are actions and behaviors toward each parent that do not take into account the impact on the well-being of children.
The period when parents are involved in the legal process of separation and divorce can become a very artificial, unnatural and psychologically destructive time for their children. This is a time when logic, common sense and fairness have to be instituted into their lives. What needs to take place is finding the eye of the hurricane. While all the turmoil and chaos surround the children, the need exists for some regular and ongoing process to monitor needs and provide some area of civility in their lives.
The reality of our legal system is that courts do not have the time to monitor the behavior of the parents on a weekly, let alone daily basis. If problems occur between the two parents who do not know how to or choose not to be civil, the courts will normally hear motions from each person s lawyer that actually do nothing for the immediate needs of the children. Often, these motions can take weeks and even months before they are heard in court, during which time the children are being destroyed. Furthermore, in general, lawyers also do not have the time, training or objectivity to monitor their own clients behaviors that may prove destructive for the children. Legal guardians, while well intentioned, may often only receive their information from parents whose objectivity is often questionable, interviews with children whose anxiety and fears may mask their true feelings and motives, or lawyers who all too often know only one side of the story. Further, when law guardians meet with children, they may not be specifically trained to detect indoctrination, brain-washing, intimidation factors, and identification with the aggressor fears, which are often present when children speak to court personnel in matrimonial cases.
In most cases, the legal process of separation and divorce attempts to resolve three crucial issues; custody, visitation, and financial equity. According to Tesler and Thompson, (2006) both our court system and our culture at large encourage us to take action in divorces based on how we feel when we are at the bottom of the emotional roller coaster, when we are most gripped by anxiety, fear, grief, guilt, and shame. After all, that's when many people are moved to make the first call to a divorce lawyer. As a result, people are encouraged to make shortsighted choices based on emotional reactions that do not take into account anyone's long-term best interests. The resulting "bad divorces" harm everyone and serve no one well. As a result, what it lacks is the process to provide the consistent ongoing protection and safety of the needs of the children on a daily basis. If there is no intervention provided, and the rage and anger of the parents are allowed to occur without monitoring, many psychologically and permanent changes in a child s personality can result. These changes can and will have potentially adverse and destructive influences over the child s future relationships, intimacy, commitment, trust and parenting skills. (Clandos, Kemp, Jaffe, & Segal 2006; Sherman, 2006).
Most parents involved in the legal process of divorce and separation will vehemently deny any involvement with not fostering a relationship with the other parent. However, it is our experience that the behavior of the children will inevitably reflect whether or not such statements are true. If a child struggles with his/her relationship with either parent through avoidance, rejection, negative comments, resistance etc., it becomes highly probable that one possible factor may be the influence of the other parent. Since we communicate approximately 55% non verbally, these messages need not be overt. Mehrabian (1981) believes verbal cues provide 7 percent of the meaning of the message; vocal cues, 38 percent; and facial expressions, 55 percent. This means that, as the receiver of a message, a child can rely heavily on the facial expressions of the sender because his or her expressions are a better indicator of the meaning behind the message than his words. Unless there has been a reason for the child s hesitation towards a parent, (i.e. prior physical, sexual or emotional abuse, neglect, etc.) which would substantiate such resistance or reluctance, then any other resistance can only be tied to the inappropriate behavior, both verbal and nonverbal, of one of the parents. However, in many cases, both parents contribute equally to the confusion and emotional chaos of the child by trying to win over the children against the other parent. In these cases, children are often so torn that depression, acting out behavior, withdrawal, or in some cases self destructive behavior may occur as a means of venting anger or finding an escape from the severe tension.
Major Forces of Emotional Destruction to Children during the Legal Process of Separation and Divorce
If not addressed, the major forces of emotional destruction on children contributed to by the inappropriate behavior of parents during the legal process of separation and divorce are:
1-Loyalty Fears and Fears of Betrayal- Children know when parents hate each other. Since, as previously mentioned, we communicate 55% non-verbally, it is not difficult for children, who by nature are very visual, to read the intense disgust that one parent may harbor for the other. In many cases, this is not even kept to a non verbal level but is consistently reinforced by verbal barrages, innuendos and subtle destructive comments. Here, the child is deathly afraid of having one parent reject him or her for having a relationship with the other. Further, children often fear openly verbalizing any love, caring or need for the other parent. These verbalizations may be interpreted as betrayal or disloyalty to the angry parent. In many cases, these negative reactions or the angry environment may intensify quickly when another individual is brought into the life of the other parent, i.e. dating, engagement, and remarriage. Often, the loss of hope for any reconciliation, fears of abandonment, and the unequal playing field involving relationships aggravates the already tense situation. The tension and turmoil that arise within the child can be devastating, since he/she is emotionally being blackmailed by one parent to reject the other parent, a process that instills intense fear and guilt within him/her.
2-Transitional Anxiety: Transitional anxiety stems from the fears generated when children go from one parent to the other, knowing that both parents hate each other. Many parents will report a long period of adjustment for children after picking them up for visitation. During that adjustment period, parents will report agitation, confrontation, withdrawal, anger, intense criticism, etc. What is actually occurring is the psychological state of transitional positioning on the part of the children who can then, if necessary, report the tension back to the other parent if the environment upon return is hostile or tense. We have witnessed numerous sessions with a parent and his/her children in our offices having a great time until the children are told that only a few minutes are left and they will be getting into the car of the other parent. At this point, in many situations, some criticism, fighting, agitation or withdrawal is directly observed on the part of the children. This occurs because the children have been conditioned to learn that reporting any positive experiences is not acceptable and only makes mommy or daddy unhappy. What the children are then armed with are the agitation and tension created by the impending situation.
3-Social Embarrassment: Another major source of tension and draining of energy for children occurs as the result of the embarrassment generated by public confrontation in front of the children by the parents, including issues involving child support payments, other relationships, control over schedules, etc. These dramatic and theatrical episodes on the part of one or both parents occur with no regard for the well being of their children. If these episodes occur during sporting or school activities with peers around, then the level of social embarrassment will have long lasting negative emotional effects on the children.
4-Open Denigration by Either Parent: Denigrating comments about the other parent may force children to be placed in a position of defending the other parent. It is not uncommon for one or both parents to openly denigrate the other parent either within earshot of the child or right in front of the child. The hope here by the parent is to convince the child that they are the good one and the other parent is bad or should not be trusted.
5-Identifcation with the Aggressor: This is a concept that can readily be seen in children during hostile stages in separation and divorce. According to Frankel (2002 backfires and forces the child to defend the other parent leading to confrontation and punitive consequences.), when we feel overwhelmed by an inescapable threat, we identify with the aggressor (Ferenczi, 1933). Hoping to survive, we sense and become precisely what the attacker expects of us in our behavior, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts. Identification with the aggressor is closely coordinated with other responses to trauma, including dissociation. Over the long run, it can become habitual and can lead to masochism, chronic hyper- vigilance, and other personality distortions. But habitual identification with the aggressor also frequently occurs in people who have not suffered severe trauma, which raises the possibility that certain events not generally considered to constitute trauma are often experienced as traumatic. Emotional abandonment or isolation, and 4 Page | 4 being subject to a greater power, are such events. In addition, identification with the aggressor is a tactic typical of people in a weak position (Frankel, 2002). What often happens with children who are in this type of weakened state is that they will side with whom they perceive as the most aggressive and potentially rejecting parent against the other parent in hopes that the aggressor will not turn on them. The children s behavior in this case will too often be to always make excuses for not wanting visitation, feigning illness, wanting to go home early, creating tension to cause shortened visitation and outright refusal to go on visitation.
6-Hostile Reactive States of Parents: In our opinion, there are three states of hostile behavior that greatly affects the psychological well-being of children and molds their opinions and feelings for one of their parents. In order of severity, these are: (1) Subtle Passive State; (2) Hostile Indirect State; and (3) Hostile Direct State.
Subtle Passive State
In the first case, the parent provides subtle messages to the children, such as looking angry or becoming quiet to the children when they are leaving to see the other parent. Nothing overt is said. However, this act of emotional removal creates enormous tension within the children because the loss of approval by the parent is interpreted as a loss of love, one of the most frightening fears of children.
Hostile Indirect
In the second case, the parent may argue over the phone with the other parent with the children in close proximity. The arguments can become emotionally turbulent, and many hostile words can be said. However, since the conversation has taken place over the phone, the children will only hear one side. The parent will then get off the phone and be nice to the children. Regardless, the damage is done and the child gets the clear message-don t mess with me or make me unhappy.
Hostile Direct State
The third state, Hostile Direct, is the most serious type. In this case, the parent doesn t care who is around, and exhibits the most out of control behavior possible (e.g., hitting a parent or throwing things in front of the children). The messages here are three-fold: (1) No one can stop me , and (2) I will do anything I want. and (3) Do not trust this man or woman. This type of behavior has the most negative effect on children. Not only do such acts constitute a serious issue of emotional instability on the part of the parent, but they indicate a complete disregard for the emotional well being the children. In our experience, if Hostile Direct State is occurring, then it is almost certain that the two other levels are also being used.
7-Parent Dependency Syndrome: There are times when a parent will not intentionally alienate his or her children from the other parent but will instead create an unhealthy dependency through a series of subtle and/or emotional reactions. The need for this type of dependency often arises out of the parent s own fears of isolation and abandonment, low self esteem, a lack of adult anchors or meaningful relationships or sometimes unresolved issues from his/her past. While not an alienation process, the secondary effects of Parent Dependency Syndrome results in an unwillingness of the children to leave the dependent parent. The reactions of the dependent parent give the children the message that the parent is a victim, unhappy without them, in turmoil 5 Page | 5 if they are not with him/her, and can only survive if the children stay with him/her. Examples include:
It s O.K., I ll find something to do when you are not here.
Mommy will miss you so much when you are with Mommy.
I get so sad when you leave me.
I will be here waiting for you to come home.
I will wait for your call.
Such guilt makes it very hard, if not impossible, for the children to leave the parent s orbit. The effects on children of this dependency syndrome can be seen not only in the unwillingness to leave the parent but may also limit the children from venturing out to new social, educational, recreational, and any other experiences that would leave the parent alone. What inevitably occurs is an extreme limitation of the children s safety zone, the area in which the children feels safe.
Current Therapeutic Interventions Used by the Legal System
In many cases today, judges often have only two available options if therapeutic intervention, other than a forensic evaluation, is considered as part of the separation and divorce process:
Option One: Short-term Divorce Workshops: This intervention strategy, called the PEACE Program in Nassau County, NY, is a court mandated workshop designed to inform parents as a group of the problems involved in going through separation and divorce, the influence of their behavior on children and many other pertinent concepts that are crucial to know. It can be an excellent intervention strategy for parents that are rational, logical, and are separating as a result of a mutual understanding. In this scenario the chances for incorporation of the suggestions are high since the anxiety, anger, revenge, and irrationality levels are low. However, for parents who are not logical and rational the suggested recommendations will have very little chance of becoming permanently incorporated through the legal process since high anxiety and tension will greatly reduce their desires to cooperate. Further, there is no ongoing monitoring of the parent behavior after the workshop is over to make sure that the parents stay on track and no harm comes to the children.
Option Two: Short-Term Therapeutic Crisis Intervention: When judges feel that a certain specific issue or issues are preventing parents from moving the case forward they may order court appointed therapeutic intervention. Here, the court clearly outlines what the therapist is asked to resolve and is strictly limited to those issues and those issues only. In Nassau County, this program is called the Parent Coordination Program. For instance, if a judge feels that certain aspects of a visitation schedule need to be resolved, or a holiday schedule needs to be determined, then this type of intervention should be available. This can be very useful when the flow of the legal process and levels of cooperation are high. In these cases the participants should be assigned this process when the unresolved issues identified by the judge are not symptomatic of larger more destructive issues. For instance, two well-meaning parents may need a third party to fully understand all of the options and resolution techniques necessary to end a minor dispute. However, all too often what is seen as a minor issue may really be a larger more destructive pattern that will never be resolved using this technique. If one parent needs to control, intimidate, hurt, invalidate etc. the other, then this will be a problem in all the issues discussed and would require a more intense form of intervention with less restrictions. Otherwise, this would be like trying to reduce a fever when the real issue is a serious infection. You may calm down the fever temporarily but the symptoms of the infection will eventually show up in other forms. In many instances, courts mistakenly identify a problem as a specific issue rather than a deeper more pathological pattern that will have repercussions throughout the process. These two intervention strategies are fine in certain cases and can be very effective. However, both have their limitations when it comes to more serious cases where rage, anger, irrationality, and revenge have reached high levels on the part of one or both parents and the psychological well-being of the children is greatly compromised. In these cases, a third option, which is a more involved process, is needed.
Civility Coaching: A New Way of Working with Parents in the Legal Process of Separation and Divorce
From our experience, the role for a new form of therapeutic intervention is needed to work with the specific and unique dynamics present during the process of separation and divorce. This process should be initiated at the very beginning of the separation and divorce process when children are involved, not after years of rage and the psychological destruction of children. Historically, once parents make the decision to separate or divorce, the battle begins and the emotional distance and lack of civility between the two parents increases exponentially. For all intents and purposes, the lawyers lead the battle for the parents, who are confused, frightened, and hurt, and may stay in the background and become observers or informants. The problem here is that the severe emotional state of the parent may at times, distort perception and consequently influence judgment and the determination of real priorities. What further develops are feelings of anger, revenge and control, rather than logic, common sense and fairness.
Once the battle begins, the parents rarely, if ever, speak with each other in an attempt to resolve issues with the children. This increased emotional and physical distance actually increases anger, misconceptions and distrust. Everyday issues that need to be dealt with for the sake of the children are avoided. What the children see are two individuals whose anger, rage, and resentment are communicated through body language or verbal rage. Any other form of communication is usually done through lawyers letters and motions, none of which assist the immediate safety and security needs of the children.
What is needed is a therapeutic intervention that would actually force parents to get closer, not emotionally but civilly. You do not have to like someone in order to be civil, but the motivating factor behind Civility Coaching is that you have to love your children more than you hate each other. For many parents, this issue is often lost. Not because they do not love their children but because there is no one providing a frame of reference with fair, logical and common sense boundaries and a monitoring environment to work out issues that will help their children and them reduce their anxiety on a regular weekly basis. Most parents in the legal process of separation and divorce dread the thought of being in therapy with their spouse. That is because they are using the traditional concept where you get out your anger, pull scabs off wounds, fight and hear threat after threat, lie after lie, accusation after accusation and numerous historical negative experiences. That is not what Civility Coaching is all about.
Civility Coaching is a very direct and therapeutically confrontational form of sometimes daily communication and weekly intervention sessions that factors in the psychological, legal, and personality constructs of the individuals involved. While the parents formally attend weekly sessions, issues are resolved in a timely manner, sometimes daily ((use of phone conferences with the Civility Coach, email etc)) in order to calm the situation, reduce feelings of helplessness, make people feel heard, and provide a logical and fair arena for issues to be resolved. In this way, the clients feel more anchored, less frightened and as a result become more willing to listen, delay inappropriate reactions, and more clearly see the implications of their behavior. It is a form of intervention whose main goals are to:
Protect the children from serious emotional game playing by the parents.
Protect the children from hostile behaviors on the part of parents that may artificially confuse their feelings about a parent.
Protect the children from being used as pawns in the court case.
Protect the children from their own parents who quite frequently have lost their ability to reason, maintain perspective and muster enough common sense for resolution.
Provide common sense, logical and fair rules and avenues of civility for the parents.
Make the parents accountable for the well being of their children.
Make parents accountable for their behavior and provide healthier outlets for their feelings Empower children with the tools that will assist them through this turmoil.
Teach children how to be neutral during the separation and divorce process by providing practical tools Provide children with a common sense and logical anchor during this process that is available to them seven days a week.
Provide immediate outlets for tension by having someone to turn to so that it does not build into something destructive.
Provide better tools of civility for parents so their voices can be heard. Many times anger is really not the lead emotion but rather the vehicle for the real emotion. For instance, panic may come out as anger, vulnerability, fears of abandonment, feelings of being unprotected and so on are also emotions that may be misread because the person exhibits anger, which is a form of tension release for the real emotion. All too often, it is the anger that is reacted to by those around the person and not the real emotional need (e.g., the need for security and protection). As a result, the person never feels heard since the reactions are to the wrong emotion. Civility Coaching teaches people to lead, label and verbalize the primary emotional need and reduce the need for angry outbursts.
Rules of Civility Coaching
At the beginning of Civility Coaching, it is clearly stated, reinforced, and monitored that:
No arguments can occur in front of the children (e.g., no theater, no drama, etc.)
Full cooperation must exist in the transition process during visitation.
No interrogation can occur of the children when they arrive home from a visitation.
Conditions that lead to transitional anxiety are reduced.
Daily phone calls to either parent for/from young children are reinforced Children are never allowed to be messengers.
Arena Parenting is established: This is a crucial part of Civility Coaching for parents remaining in the same house during the legal process, since most arguments between parents in separation and divorce center around parenting issues, Arena parenting is a process that establishes a set arena time for both parents where the health welfare and safety needs of the children are taken care of by one parent without the intrusion of the other. The arena control is followed and monitored by the Civility Coach, and as long as the health, welfare, and safety needs of the children are followed, each parent will have his or her protected arena time. This dramatically reduces control issues, the use of children for displaced anger, and drama in front of the children. Issues that transcend both arenas are discussed and ways of resolving issues in a civil manner are taught and monitored. Children are guided in understanding the rules of Arena Parenting.
The parents must follow any court ordered agreement or signed agreement by the two parties. In this way, the court can be reassured that a daily or weekly monitoring of its orders will take place since this is not a realistic position for the judge, law guardian or lawyers.
The health, welfare and safety concerns of the children are of primary importance.
Civility Coaching is not individual or family Coaching- It is strongly suggested that parents be in individual counseling during this process. Individual counseling for children is recommended on a case by case basis.
There are specific rules of civility that must be followed by both parents which are fully discussed in sessions.
There is no discussion of history in Civility Coaching-both individuals have agreed to separate or divorce and any discussion of past is not allowed. The Civility Coach would have met with each party separately at the beginning to get each person s perception of past events. However, that would be the only tome when history would be discussed. 9 Page | 9 In Civility Coaching the parents are not part of the equation-only the children s health, safety and well-being are at issue. The parents are there to provide a civil environment in which the children can flourish to the best of their abilities.
When parents live apart, Civility Coaching is based on a separation/divorce mentality not a married mentality where there is one family and one house. In Civility Coaching there is a 2 home /2 family mentality.
Civility Coaching empowers children to be neutral and empowers them with tools to deal with parents inappropriate behavior.
Civility Coaching is based on logic, common sense and fairness.
The principles of civility coaching and use of civil options (email, phone conferences, delay etc) are always in effect, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are monitored by the Civility Coach.
Civility Coaching is based on the hope that the more civil the parents, the greater chance for resolution. Civility Coaching allows for continuous interaction between the parties. For many couples, it may mark the first time in years that they have sat down to discuss anything without fighting, arguing, or becoming increasingly hostile towards each other.
Role of the Therapist in Civility Coaching
In Civility Coaching, the therapist takes on a non-traditional, more confrontational and highly involved role. The therapist monitors, challenges, and calls parents on their inappropriate behavior, such as lack of cooperation, psychological game playing, not following rules, ignoring court orders, or destructive behavior before it has a chance to develop and hurt the children. Further, the civility coach teaches parents the rules of civility and the children the rules of neutrality which removes them from the battlefield . It is imperative that civility coaching be court ordered to ensure cooperation and monitoring through the legal process. It is also imperative that the courts reinforce the neutrality of the civility coach by not permitting the therapist to testify in court. However, reports to the judge outlining cooperation and progress should be allowed a regular basis to further validate the process.
In traditional therapy, a therapist may try to get an individual to gain insight into his or her behavior, understand the position of the other parent, and/or link the motive to repressed anger, childhood conditioning, revenge etc. As a result, traditional therapy may take months to years of time. In Civility Coaching, conflicts of concern are discussed immediately and the motives are secondary to the need for the immediate change of behavior. The intellectual awareness that the behavior of one or both parents is destructive to the mental health of the children should be all that is necessary.