Children's Reaction
By Dr. Roger Pierangelo and Dr. George Giuliani
Introduction
Under the guidelines set forth by the New York State Unified Court System, “attorney for the child" means a law guardian appointed by the family court pursuant to section 249 of the Family Court Act, or by the supreme court or a surrogate's court in a proceeding over which the family court might have exercised jurisdiction had such action or proceeding been commenced in family court or referred thereto..... In ascertaining the child's position, the attorney for the child must consult with and advise the child to the extent of and in a manner consistent with the child's capacities, and have a thorough knowledge of the child's circumstances.”
One of the most difficult functions facing court appointed attorneys for children (herein called “AFCs”) is to determine the true motive behind the feelings and expressions of children during separation and divorce cases. For an AFC to fully understand the dynamics behind what children say and their many possible motives, he/she must first explore the psychological dynamics and variables that influence children in dealing with the stressors of separation and divorce, considering the very serious consequences that may result from the AFC’s recommendations to the court.
The presenting problem first encountered by an AFC when representing a child may vary from the child’s quiet hesitation, to a rigid, non-negotiable stance involving the anger, fear or reluctance in the child’s interactions or dealing with one parent. If these behaviors are taken solely at face value by the AFC, then the child may be placed in a compromising position that will aggravate his/her already stressful situation. Therefore, it is imperative that instead of immediately accepting the rationale of the child as fact, an AFC needs to be aware of the variety of underlying motives that may be present in the same fashion.
To the untrained eye, the expression of feelings and beliefs in what children are saying about their parents and experiences with them during separation and divorce cases, may be viewed horizontally-- thereby accepting that what the children are saying is a true representation of their actual state of mind. In many cases of separation and divorce, children are in a “survival mode”, trying to balance what they believe may be a “conditional love” situation in their relationship with both parents. The fear and stress from trying to maintain this balance directly affects what they say and what they believe they are feeling.
Given the above, the first step in understanding the true motives behind a child’s fear, anger or reluctance to a parent, is to recognize the difference between symptoms and problems.
How Problems Generate into Symptoms
Dynamic or internal problems (e.g., conflicts, fears, insecurities), create tension. The more serious the problem, the greater the level of tension experienced by children. When tension is present, it can only be released one of two ways; verbally or behaviorally. Children do not always have the proper words to express their feelings. Consequently, many of their emotions come out in behavioral symptoms, i.e. resistance, anger, lying, fabricating etc., and the behavior required to relieve this tension becomes more immediate and observable. As a result, the behaviors exhibited by children may be inappropriate and impulsive rather than well thought out. Therefore, in some cases, a child’s reluctance to seeing a parent may be a symptom of a deeper struggle, motive or experience rather than the actual problem itself, and therefore interpreting the symptom as a “true choice” on the part of the child may be a serious mistake.
In many, if not the vast majority of cases, tension is very high for children during a separation or divorce, and therefore it may require a variety of behaviors to relieve the dynamic stress brought on by fears of abandonment, rejection, anger by a parent, and escalating the situation by saying or doing the wrong thing. These behaviors then become symptoms of the seriousness of the problem. That is why the frequency and intensity of the symptomatic behavior of children often reflect the seriousness of the underlying problem(s). As a child becomes more confident or learns to work out his/her problems through therapy or some other verbal outlet, the underlying problems often become smaller. Using verbal skills, being taught the labels for feelings, and working on better tools for dealing with the situation, the child will hopefully generate less tension and exhibit less inappropriate, impulsive or self-destructive behavior patterns.
As previously mentioned, if a child neither recognizes nor has the words to express the emotions resulting from a problem, then tension is usually released through some form of behavior. In the case of the tension of children surrounding separation and divorce, there can often be compliance, withdrawal, reluctance, or aggression towards a parent. These behaviors then become the tension reducing behavior. We call these outlets of tension, behavioral symptoms. Behavioral symptoms are sometimes misidentified as problems and therefore treated as such. When this occurs, the problem often only gets worse. For example, if one sees a fever as the problem, then treating that alone can exacerbate the real problem which may be a specific virus or infection. Given their importance, these behavioral symptoms should become the first signal noticed and understood by law guardians, as it is very important for these court officials who are making decisions with serious implications to fully understand the difference between symptoms and problems.
Examples of typical symptomatic behaviors by children that may be indicative of more serious concerns include, but are not limited to:
anxiety
argumentative attitude
blames of others for problems
bullying other children
controlling
daydreaming
defiance of authority
denial
destruction of property
distractibility
excuses for inappropriate behavior
fatigues easily
fearful of authority or adults, criticism or new situations
forgetfulness
hyperactivity
hypoactivity
impulsivity
inconsistency
inflexibility
intrusive behavior
irresponsibility
laziness
lying
moodiness
need for constant reassurance
overly-critical or reactive
painful shyness
panic
poor judgment
procrastination
rarely takes chances
reluctance
self-criticism
short attention span
social withdrawal
unable to focus on tasks
verbally hesitant
While many of the above behaviors may indicate the presence of a problem, AFCs also must look at the frequency, intensity and duration of the symptoms to determine the seriousness of the problem/s:
1. Frequency of Symptoms: Consider how often the symptoms occur. The more serious the problem, the greater amount of tension generated. The greater amount of tension, the more frequent will be the need to release this tension. Therefore, the greater the frequency of the symptom, the greater chance that the problem/s are serious.
2. Duration of Symptoms: Consider how long the symptoms last. The more serious the problem, the greater the degree of tension generated. The greater the degree, the longer it will take to release the tension. Therefore, the longer the duration of the symptoms the more serious the problem.
3. Intensity of Symptoms: Consider how serious the reactions are at the time of occurrence. The more serious the problem, the more intense the level of tension coming off the problem will be. This level of tension will require a more intense release which may be shown in a more severe symptom. The more intense the symptom, the more serious the problem.
Anger as an Insulating Emotion
Another factor for AFCs to understand in determining the true motives behind anger, fear and resistance of the children towards a parent, is to view anger as a lead emotion (an emotion that insulates the real emotions i.e. pain, hurt, vulnerability are all insulated by anger) and perhaps not the real emotion. Panic, anxiety, vulnerability, fear, guilt, emotional pain and hurt are all emotions that use anger as the lead emotion. That is why there are often such high levels of rage and anger between individuals who go through separation and divorce. Most of these emotions are experienced during this process and become insulated by anger. They lead with anger as an insulation to the real emotion, which the person is unable to label or communicate. To view someone as angry may be missing the real emotion or emotions which lies behind it. Therefore, in the case of the children, it is very important to find the emotions that lie behind the anger and determine why they developed. That eventually allows for repair since the opposite of love is not anger but apathy. Anger assumes hope, and court officials need to see the fact that children may not be able to sort out or label what it is they feel or lack in the relationship with the specific parent they may be struggling with or resistant to seeing.
Five Critical Factors that Need to be Explored by AFCs Before Making “Recommendations” to the Court
Before any decision by an AFC on the real feelings and motives of children involved in issues with either parent can be made, it is imperative that the AFC ascertain certain answers that may affect the outcome of his or her recommendations to the court.
1. Determine the motive, personality, and expectations of the parent, and the prior history of the parent/child relationship: AFCs will need to determine a parent’s motive for restoring an estranged relationship. It is crucial to determine how genuine this motive is and ensure that the underlying reasons are not connected to revenge, anger, control or potentially a desire to reverse child support.
Along with the parent’s motive, will be the need to determine how the parent’s personality style and ego strength may impact the child and his/her reactions during the evaluation process by the AFC. The parent will have to be made aware of the difficulty that he/she may have in restoring the relationship. The parent will need to understand the true resistance and work with law guardian or court assigned intervention specialist (i.e. therapist, Parent Coordinator) on a successful outcome. Over-reactive, controlling, or parents with low self-esteem may have to be worked with individually to help them understand and tolerate the process or reengagement with their children.
AFCs need to look at the parent’s history of intimacy and involvement with the child prior to the onset of reluctance, anger or fear. A relationship between a parent and a child that has a positive history prior to the separation and divorce has a better prognosis and will be easier to repair. Building a relationship that never was will involve much more work. As a result, the parent’s expectations on progress will need to be realistic so that frustration and rejection do not occur.
2. Determine the etiology (cause) of the child’s fear or reluctance: AFCs will need to determine the etiology (actual cause) of the child’s fear, anger or reluctance. This is a crucial factor, since the stress of the separation or divorce process on children may make the presented reason for anger, fear and resistance a rationalized motive. Since disturbance in emotional development can create problems in childhood, adolescence, and adult life, it is imperative that any recommendation by a law guardian involving parental relationships be made with the full knowledge of the real motive behind the fear, anger or reluctance.
There are many possible reasons for a child’s fear, anger or reluctance in separation and divorce cases. These include:
A. Divorce related depression and anxiety: Reluctance towards visitation with a parent may stem from the mental status of the child as a result of the trauma resulting from the damaging experiences of separation and divorce and not necessarily the relationship with a specific parent. If this factor can be determined as the motive behind the fear, anger or reluctance, then it will need to be addressed, and the presenting symptoms should not be considered as unwillingness to be with the other parent, only an avoidance of the total divorce process. Children who are motivated by divorce related depression and anxiety often lack the energy for any involvement and may feel that any interaction will intensify an already hostile environment which the child feels totally unable to cope. Warning signs of divorce related depression or anxiety in children may include:
Loss of spontaneity: Playful children may become moody, agitated, aggressive, anxious etc.
Low self-esteem: Feelings of worthlessness, comments about being stupid or unimportant
Poor self-care: Poor grooming, excessive disorder in a formerly neat child’s room
Excessive sadness or moodiness: Prolonged withdrawal from people or moodiness, disinterest in favorite activities
Irrational fears or clinginess: Fear or avoidance of normally safe people, places and things; intense crying and separation anxiety when leaving family members or friends
Sleep problems: Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up or go to school
Poor concentration: Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments or decline in grades for an extended period
Inappropriate anger: Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with schoolmates or siblings, yelling at parents
Drug or alcohol abuse: Experimenting with tobacco, medications, household substances, drugs or alcohol
Sexual promiscuity: Engaging in sexual activity that ultimately threatens to damage a child’s emotional or physical health
Self-injury, cutting: Finding relief from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain, or taking excessive physical risks that result in injury
Suicide: Talk of killing oneself, making plans to end one’s life, suicide attempts.
B. Not knowing how to bridge the relationship: Fear, anger or reluctance on the part of children may occur because of a lack of knowledge about how to bridge the relationship with a parent, especially after months or years of non-involvement with the parent. In this case, the child is not unwilling to have a relationship but rather lacks the skills or ego strength to initiate or deign the “road back” to a healthy relationship. While the symptom again is the same, namely rigid resistance, the motive of the child is very different, and the repair is very positive if the AFC has determined this to be the underlying motive. The degree of desire is sometimes measured by the level of anger towards the other parent, since anger assumes hope. The child maintains the anger towards the parent to maintain some connection, and in some manner sends the parent messages, sometimes cryptic, about what needs to be done to win him/her back.
C. Fear of betrayal to the other parent: There are times when a child’s fear, anger or reluctance to one parent may result from the belief that the other parent will feel betrayed by the relationship with the other parent. While this may not necessarily be communicated or felt by the parent, these feelings of guilt may be generated by the child’s experiences with the intense anger and hatred exhibited by the parents towards each other. As a result, any relationship with one parent will be a betrayal of loyalty to the other. This factor increases dramatically if the intense hatred is verbalized or acted out by one parent towards the other or a lack of “permission” is not validated for a relationship with the other parent.
Examples of “subtle non-permission” on the part of one parent may include:
Not saying a word to the other parent on pickup
Not saying goodbye to the children
Turning and walking away when the other parent approaches the door for pickup
Confronting the parent upon pickup and getting angry
Frowning, angry or disturbed look on the parent’s face at the time of pickup
Never asking the children how things went at the other parent’s house or not wanting to hear anything about the visitation
Being angry when the children arrive or return from visitation
D. Discomfort and confusion over the parent’s involvement with another person (new boyfriend or girlfriend): There are times when a child’s fear, anger or reluctance with a parent may center around a new relationship in the life of his/her parent. This new romantic relationship by the parent can trigger off a series of emotional reactions, from issues of replacement for a daughter if the father is involved with someone else, a need for protection of the mother by the son if the father is involved with someone else, anger by the daughter over replacing the father if the mother is involved with someone else, or fears of betrayal against a parent, which may occur in having a relationship with this new person in the parent’s life. Many times, a spouse will have a very serious reaction resulting from the reality of finality, replacement, etc. when the ex-spouse has someone else enter their lives. A child may be very sensitive to this reaction, forcing a hesitation in visitation with the involved parent.
E. Resistance as a result of an older sibling’s reluctance in having a relationship with the parent: Sometimes a child’s fear, anger or reluctance can result from an older sibling’s resistance to seeing or being involved with the parent. The indirect or overt influence of this older sibling can make it almost impossible for the child to visit without repercussions. This fear can become even greater if he/she is the only sibling in the family to want a relationship with the other parent. In this case, the child faces the possibility of alienation of his/her brothers or sisters over the personal decision to have a relationship with the other parent.
F. Parent alienation: Fear, anger, or resistance to a relationship with a parent may occur as a result of realistic and valid reasons involving prior or ongoing emotional, physical or sexual abuse, prior neglect or some other tangible pattern of behavior that has caused the child’s anger fear or reluctance because of safety issues. This issue is a crucial one to determine, since some parents are very convincing to the court that the reluctance on the part of the child is from the influence of the other parent.
G. Hostile-Parent Behavior: Sometimes a child’s reluctance towards a parent results from the hostile behavior of the other parent. There are three states of hostile behavior that greatly affect the psychological well-being of children and mold their opinions and feelings for one of their parents. In order of severity, these are: (1) Subtle Passive State; (2) Hostile Indirect State; and (3) Hostile Direct State.
(1) Subtle Passive State: Here, the parent provides subtle messages to the children, such as looking angry or becoming quiet to the children when they are leaving to see the other parent. Nothing overt is said. However, this act of emotional removal creates enormous tension within the children because the loss of approval by the parent is often interpreted as a potential loss of love, one of the most frightening fears of children.
(2) Hostile Indirect State: In this case, the parent may argue over the phone with the other parent with the children in proximity. The arguments can become emotionally turbulent, and many hostile words can be said. However, since the conversation has taken place over the phone, the children will only hear one side. The parent will then get off the phone and be nice to the children. Regardless, the confusion over the real feelings of the parent may create anxiety on the part of children.
(3) Hostile Direct State: The third state, Hostile Direct, is the most serious type. In this case, the parent doesn’t care who is around, and exhibits the most out of control behavior possible (e.g., hitting the ex-spouse or throwing things in front of the children). The messages here are threefold: (1) “No one can stop me”; (2) “I will do anything I want”; and (3) “Do not trust this man or woman.” This type of behavior has the most negative effect on children. Not only do such acts constitute a serious issue of emotional instability on the part of the parent, but they indicate a complete disregard for the emotional well-being of the children. In our experience, if Hostile Direct State is occurring, then it is almost certain that the two other levels are also being used.
H. Hurt in the form of anger and resistance to test the sincerity and dedication of the parent: There are times when the child’s fear or reluctance to visitation may be a test of the parent’s sincerity in the desire to restore or have a relationship with the child. This may occur in instances where the parent has been alienated from the child for a long period of time and does not believe the parent’s intentions for reconciliation are genuine. Since anger assumes hope, the continued anger towards the parent is a test that this time the parent will not give up. The problem here is that in many cases, if this motive is not fully understood by the parent, then the parent does actually give up, believing the child wants nothing to do with him/her.
I. Interference with friends and social life: Sometimes, a child’s anger or reluctance may be as simple as not wanting to miss out on a Saturday or Sunday with their friends. While children may not be able to clearly or maturely verbalize this, the need for socialization at this age is crucial and a priority in the child’s life. Knowing and working around it through compromise is crucial to maintaining the visitation schedule.
J. Identification with the aggressor: This is a concept that can readily be seen in children during hostile stages in separation and divorce. According to research done in this area of study, when we feel overwhelmed by an inescapable threat, we “identify with the aggressor”. Hoping to survive, we sense and “become” precisely what the attacker expects of us—in our behavior, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts. Identification with the aggressor is closely coordinated with other responses to trauma, including dissociation. Over the long run, it can become habitual and can lead to masochism, chronic hypervigilance, and other personality distortions.
But habitual identification with the aggressor also frequently occurs in people who have not suffered severe trauma, which raises the possibility that certain events not generally considered to constitute trauma are often experienced as traumatic. Emotional abandonment or isolation, and being subject to a greater power, are such events. In addition, identification with the aggressor is a tactic typical of people in a weak position. What often happens with children who are in this type of weakened state is that they will side with whom they perceive as the most aggressive and potentially reject the one parent against the other in hopes that the aggressor will not turn on them. The child’s behavior in this case will too often be to always make excuses for not wanting visitation, feigning illness, wanting to go home early, creating tension to cause shortened visitation and outright refusal to go.
K. Parent dependency: There are times when a parent will not intentionally alienate his or her children from the other parent but will instead create an unhealthy dependency through a series of subtle or emotional reactions. The need for this type of dependency often arises out of the parent’s own fears of isolation and abandonment, low self-esteem, a lack of adult anchors or meaningful relationships or sometimes unresolved issues from his/her past.
While not an alienation process, the secondary effects and impact of parent dependency results in an unwillingness of the children to leave the dependent parent. The reactions of the dependent parent give the children the message that the parent is a victim, unhappy without them, in turmoil if they are not with him/her and can only survive if the children stay with him/her. Examples include:
“It’s O.K., I’ll find something to do when you are not here”
“Daddy will miss you so much when you are with Mommy
“I get so sad when you leave me”
“I will be here waiting for you to come home”
“I will wait for your call all day”
Such guilt makes it very hard, if not impossible, for the children to leave the parent’s orbit. The effects of this type of parental dependency can be seen not only in the unwillingness to leave the parent but may also limit the children from venturing out to new social, educational, recreational, and any other experiences that would leave the parent “alone.” What inevitably occurs is an extreme limitation of the children’s safety zone, the area in which the children feel safe.
L. Gender and birth order: Perhaps the most troublesome response of some children to the divorce of their parents is to attempt to fill the role they perceive to be filled in the past by one of their parents. Some parents make this worse by encouraging this kind of behavior as indicating "maturity" on the part of their child. For example, a son may see himself as the protector of the mother, especially if he is the oldest sibling or the only male in the family. Likewise, a daughter may see herself as the replacement for the father’s lack of female connection and sees her relationship with her father as “special”. In this case, she will potentially protect and take care of him, resulting in reluctance towards visitation with the mother.
3. Determine the level of civility of the parents: The greater the civility between the parents, the easier it will be for a child to move back and forth between relationships. We call the ability of children to easily move back and forth between parents as fluid interaction, and it is a sign of civility and maturity in the parent’s behavior. The greater the emotional distance between the parents as a result of anger and rage, the harder it will be for a child to balance his/her relationship with both parents. What normally happens is an alignment with one parent which may result in resistance to being with the other parent.
4. Determine the length of time the parent has been separated from the child: The greater the separation period between the parent and child, the greater the difficulty in restoring the relationship. While there is still may be hope, the question of why the parent allowed this to occur or how this evolved needs to be answered. The parent can still do parental things, i.e. emails, cards, gifts, phone calls, even if the child is resistant. The messages here are positive and tell the child that the parent is not giving up on him/her no matter what. Pulling away out of hurt, frustration or anger, communicates a very different message, namely “this is over, and you are not worth it.” The parent will need to learn that this is a process and may take longer than thought. However, a parent-child relationship is hopefully forever, and any length of time given to restore it in a healthy way should be attempted.
5. Determine the level of apathy towards the parent (sometimes hard to distinguish apathy from suppressed anger): From our experiences, the most difficult relationship to restore is one in which apathy has occurred. It is in these cases that we have found the chances of success in having a strong parent-child relationship are very poor. The presence of apathy on the part of a child towards a parent will need to be determined and evaluated by the AFC, and if present, the parent may have to accept the fact or come to terms with the reality that the relationship may not happen no matter what is done. In most cases, this factor may be more prevalent during adolescence and early adulthood rather than in early childhood. The teenager, more than a young child, who is apathetic towards a parent is normally not angry, does not scream, attack, or use any energy towards the parent. He/she is apathetic, resolved and has moved on in his /her life. Whether a change in feelings and attitudes towards the parent later in life happens is not known. What is known is that this type of emotional state has little chance of success in reestablishing the relationship.
Conclusion
In our professional opinions, when representing children as AFCs, it is imperative that they be cognizant of the true motives of children, understand symptoms versus problems, have a working knowledge of the critical factors discussed throughout this article, and not take everything simply at face value. A recommendation by an AFC made without a true understanding of what we have addressed, can have long lasting negative effects on the lives of both the children and their parents. The divorce and separation process is hard enough on children and parents on so many levels. All involved deserve the best decisions, directions, and insights available from AFCs with whom so many work with, to help them through this very difficult process.